do not click
11.24.22 10:47 AM
There was a sports broadcaster that said something like, careers arent ruined because you wiffed on a draft, its not admitting that you wiffed on a draft. I feel at that cross roads. I do not feel the same fulfillment from music as a i used to, poissible that is a coping mechanism to the fact that i just dont think im good enough. I used to think that to truly believe in yourself you couldn’t have a backup plan or an alternative career a doiffferent route, because then you would just do that for a living and make music on the side. But maybe to truly believe in my talent is to put it to the side, give it time to mature and natyreally grow. Mybe to truly believe in yourself is to have faith in the work, or truly not care if the work is good is to not make it your main focus. Its a lowstakes hobby passion when its not your foreseen main source of income in the future. Im banking my entire life on those songs, of course its gonna be high stakes., of course youre going to force projects. But the problem is , okay so maybe your art should be done as something out of love again, and that is achieved through not making it your sole hope. Also real quick consider that all that is necessary is a mindset change. I really thought that this was helping me sort outnmy thoughts but now im thinking in circles. Im not good enough ot just talk and atalkn and talk on end without filterin glike other people seem to be i have hit my flow this is straight from the heart now what i habve achieveedf what i wanted but not happy isn;t that just the story of this all. I am scared. I want to be fulfilled by something not artistic. I wish i had learned to love another thing, because i am scared. I am scared it unrequited love, i may love the game but does it love me back, will it sing my name, will i get lost in the b waves of the sea of attention. Do i have you attention? Thats all i watn, taht’s all we humans need, all we vy for all we desire to be to have, we will spendi money gor it , chase careers for, change careers for it, we all just wanna be big rockstars but nothing can be heard when everyone is talking, we all are told to be content cratetors but ni one is watching, but a=everyone is stuck feeding, watching, i am so upset with myself. I am so disgusted with who i have become bvut im also learning not to udgem myef judge myself that is for mnistakes gof i am a terrible typer now, this is something i should do every day to keep up with how i am progressing as a typer. Type a whole page, no matter how long it takes, spew digital~! How crazy is that. This is gonna go on the website, its an experiment. A national internet based spew of journal hood, journal ness, its a a diary not a journal. I am the wimpy kid. That’s oine of the first books tahat was read to me as a young kid. It was read in class during reading time. Also, let me explain to those who don’t know. Spew is a physical journal that i created in the beginnin g of this year. It was a tool i used to get more intune with the voice in my head, that makes me sound crazy, but really i want to learn how to speak straight from the heart no filter on thought just go. I wish i could talk like radio hosts or podcasters forever, but i can’t. Its a weird juxtaposition i live in. I constantly want to be the quiet person, i don’t twant to be the blabber mouth. That’s what i am at heart. I have changed many things about myself. I don’t know if it appears taht way but i have worked hard to try and be better, i always felt like stitch from lilo and stitch as a kid, destructive. Leaving rubble everywhere i go im starting to filter my thoughts again, i got scared i was being too vulnerable. To be completely frank im scared about this experiment that is spew digital. I just want to have attention you know? Wana do something no one else is. This is Bereal, but written and also no one is gonna give a fuck. This is be real but dumb, and maybe a little more real. I am trying my absolute best to be straight from the dome. It didn’t start like that but now its that. What can i talk about now? I don’t have a clue, did you watch ice age as a child? When do you know what you know? You know? Im trying to make decisions these days, its like i know what i have to do...
11.25.22 8:40 AM
When the moons is in the sky like a big pizza pie thats when i start writing. Though it is morning. I have a had a good one so far, thats a lie. I woke up with a very very tough problem. A hard problem, a toughy. And that problem was not helped by my urgent need to pee. So i got relief from neither issue. I half peed, trying my hardest but also trying to maintain my sleepiness. I woke up with the whackiest zaniest eye crusties. A whole robust community of eye booggers on my face, taking residence in my eye holes. I took a drink of water to reset and retry this spew. I got a little too personal too fast and it scared me. I am seeing someone at the moment. I am sorry the fuck am i doing. I just finished speaking on how personal i was getting and there i go again, really trying to dump my dirtiest laundry on your lap. That cool thing is this is a page no one will likely read. It would shock me, stun me, scare me if i evere was approached about something i wrote here. But then again its the internet, be careful what you show. I remember all the assemblies at school that we had about cyber safety. Don’t put your name into your email! Granted that’s advice for a child, as to not get kidnapped or some shit, these days it advisable as fuck to put your name in your email. That’s what i did. Please feel free to reach out to me at conradtoddmata@gmail.com todd thats my middle name, it was my fathers name, still is. My fathers middle name is his fathers name. Its a little tradition we got going here. I dont want kids. I have been thinking about a vasectomy since 2nd grade. Basically since i heard of the thing i was interested. I can’t even really say why at such a young age i didn’t want kids. Seems like many people know from the beginning that they want to be a parent. My reasons are most climate. Its a act of self aggrandizement, having a kid. The thinking is, “Im so dope, i would really easy make a dope person if i created one.” at least i suppose thats the thinking i have behind the pros section of the old pro con list of being a parent. But yes i desperately don’t want kids. That’s where i am at. I’ve always wondered if i would change my mind, but i havent yet. The feast last night was nice, the smoked turkey was delicious. I was talking to my father about the turkey, he said, “great but can’t have it every day” and i asked why not. He said carcinogens. And i was told him i dont buy it. For millions of years our ancestors were eating fire roasted meats. “Yeah but they only live to 35” first of all, did they? Were you there? I don’t know about that, we have found the remains of prehistoric humans, and from a skeleton you can usually see what killed the person. I have never heard that a caveman died of cancer. Is prostate cancer basically ass cancer? Like i know the prostate isn’t the ass, but its the closest we get to ass cancer? No? Am i wrong on that one? I love the post office, im all about trying to save it. Fuck ups, fuck fedex. Theyre just corporations ruining the game. Any way i received a postcard yesterday. Cute. hot girls support the post office. I have said it now and i will say it again. Hot girls support the post office. I don;t know what i wanted to talk about any more i have finally reached the flow zone i think its about looking at your fingers to see exactly what word could be written next and that is now over i am out of flow but hey it was nice while it lasted is there anything that i feel comfortable doing with my eyes closed? I wouldn’t ride a bike. I would not driving a car. I can’t think about the percentage of time i have ny eyes closed, it freaks me out. I have the laundry machine going in the background of writing this. That’s why i started out with my dirty laundry. What the hell is the point of all this? To be honest and to do something. I just want to be a man of action. I wanted to be able to turn on the facet and speak forever but not use it when i want to remain quiet. I am clearly much more guarded today than i was yesterday. I was ready to attack the world, guns blazing, no fear. Today im a little nervous nelly. I qant coffee. Thats what is! I ahvent had coffee yet. I am reliant on so many little things to get me to…
I have a roommate and i do love him, we never fight. I really cant even think of a disagreement. I can think of couple things that he does taht annoys me i can think of a couple things that i do that probably annoys him so theres a even balance. A perfect harmony. No but really he and i get a long. We are best friends, and we were going into it, they say never live with your best friend but hes a brother so different rules maybe. We’ve been going on runs recently. I have been a runner for a couple years now but he joined me for my last two. It stinks a little that i have to slow down a bit so he can keep up but i see it as an investment, if i can get him fast and moving then eventually i have a partner to run with, someone who can challenge me and make me the best version of myself. He does that in many other aspects of my life so why not this too? I have been day dreaming about running with him. It feels like we are hunters when we run together. I have this extension of the fantasy that we are hunters in the prehistoric era, and i am slightly annoyed that he is slow but i am thankful for the rest and know that we will still get our kill with patience. My guest has just woken up and i feel awkward that i should engage with them but i must finish this page. I wont stop until i do. I wonder how long this takes. Ive been going for what feels like an eternity and theres barely a dent in this page. Hell yeah yippee i am doing the work. That part about running helped me, thats why iam doing with to better connect with the inner voice. My guest has left the room and i now feel much more secure. Thats the thing about my guest. I cant tell if i would like them to continue being my guest. Well i am conflicted. Have feelings both ways. Have feelings many ways. Have feelings. I know i want to continue to see this humans guest but i am not sure if it should still be in this capacity. It was awkward last night for a moment, and now im jist tripping, and its showing in my typing way less accurate i need to hurry they are washing their hands i dont have much private time left. Gotta go fast! But last night i had such an epiphany moment. Why is there a single thing i would force? Not once have i forced something and then been happy with it. Not one time did i get something that i didnt need. Not one time did i have less or more than what was required of the universe for my survival. Why rush. Not once was i late to something and missed it. Not once did i truly miss out. I don’t know about that one actually i am sure i have been late and missed shit all the time. I am way in my head scared. Just have to finish this opage. What do i want from today? I want to go on a slightly chilly jog without my roommate once my guest leaves. I want to go fast on this run i want to feel vindicated and i want to feel fast as fuck. I can see how my work in the gym has helped my sprinting it feels natural rhythmic, right. I feel really light when im sprinting now. My glutes are powerful! Watch out! With great power comes great responsibility. I am asking the guest what the quote of the day is, iam gonna give them time to think about it until i finish this page and ill get back to them. They seemed daunted by the prospect. If i had to name the quote of the day, for me it’s gonna be “whats the force for?” i wanted more time without my guest awake but i wont force the moment over, i wont force the outcome. I have spoken too much! I don’t need everyone to know i have a guest over. Jesus christ this page just wont end it keeps going and going and going and going and going andngpijng admogin ajgoujnaskd ss. Thanks for hanging with me i had a small tantrum. “I got nothing going on in my head” thats the quote of the day from our lovely human in the room that is making me awkward. That’s perfect. I want to live like that. I want it to feel like that i want to be the moment of wahats the ki i ma upset again. Thinking about how i am going to either have to hangout with this person for a bit before kicking them out or just biting the bullet and kicking them out. I dont want to do either, i want to go on my run, ic ant be selfish though. I really like being selfish in the moment and then not…
Today was a refreshing mix of productivity and self loathing. It tends to be one of the other but today was nice because it had a pretty healthy balance of both. I’m just left a moment of self loathing, and am chilling in a bit of bliss. It’s nice how you can make yourself feel better by just trying to be a better person, just one baby step can lull you into a new era of indulgence. There is a cheekiness to my voice, you are right. I am slightly sarcastic but also honest. It could be a deep root survival mechanism. Make you feel shit enough to try and work towards being better but not shit enough to make you want to kill youself. That would be the end of the game. You don’t want that. We all just want to keep playing. I have seen something interesting things today. Videos about how i am be more than i am currently. More. Be more. Eat more. Have more. Sell more. Fuck more. Work more. Right now at this very moment, the “more” i want is actually a “less” i want to go home so badly. Im at working hoping the seconds would speed by faster. I am seeing someone tonight. We are going to a year round christmas store. As to how that store stays open year round, i don’t understand, ive never understood. It has been open in my hometown since i was a kid. I am hungry. I ate an apple and a small red banana for lunch, it was delicious, and satisfied for me a second. Im thinking about it now i dont know what i am goin go to do for dinner tonight. I have nothing in my fridge, there was no food at the grocery store this morning. Not a crumb of bread nor a single egg. I really dont want to still be typing because my hands are tire, my wrists feel weak. I was finally able to exercise hard this morning. Its been a couple days since i have not only felt the motivation to go to the gym but then also execute and put in good work at said gym. Today I watched a video on how to properly fuck. I have allegedly been doing it wrong for the past little while. I am willing to accept my mistakes, admit my failures. I am trying that new technique tonight. I am willing to try new things and be a better fuck. That’s really what this whole game is about no? Be a better fuck! Be hotter, be a better fuck! Have more money, be a better fuck! Try this product, be a better fuck! Wear this, eat this, be this, live this, want this, do this, say this, be a better fuck! That’s where i am going wrong, all my products i try to sell don’t help people be a better fuck. That’s new song! Adivce from a reformed fat boy. Here’s what I learned! No one wanted to fuck me, now people do! Here’s the secret, here’s what’s unspoken, here’s what they don’t teach you. I want to write a book about my weight loss, it was a huge fucking deal in my life. It took discipline, it took thousands of experiments, trial and errors, to arrive at who i am today. Don’t even recognize that motherfucker. I asked my roommate yesterday, “ do you ever feel like you don’t recognize yourself?” and his reply was great, “ do you mean do i ever recognize myself” that’s a major thing that I need to see in someone in order to connect with them. Are they awake? Are they out of the track of their life? Can they step back and see the role they are being asked to play. Is there rebellion in their heart- that just won’t let them play that role, fall asleep, do their part? I am trying to think of all the moments that woke me up. My darkest moment, where i found the dao de ching. In retrospect it wasn’t a terribly dark situation. That’s how retrospect always serves you, lighter than when you were there. I found the dao de ching when i thought I could be dying. It saved me. I am very hungry. I dislike this feeling of “lack.” A major reason I am unhappy is all the things I think I am lacking. I lacked big huge muscles, I lack a 4 year degree, I lack a stable industry, I lack love, I love control, I lack time, I lack patience, I lack luck. I shout at myself all the things I lack. It’s so easy to call out the things that are weighing on your heart. So tough to pinpoint the things that bring light to your day, that lift your heart, that guide your spirit. I am going to try. I love meat and fruit and how delicious they are. I love my body and what it does…
I have said before that i am done chasing momentary bliss. I have thought that I am done chasing joy. But I now realize that it is about knowing that this moment is bliss. I am so grateful to still be playing the game. I woke up today, I have another moment of life. Another series of now that I can experience. Every single second of that now can either be enjoyed or disdained. It can be in fear or in love. Each moment can be living or dying. It is about taking a breath, knowing that you are yet again faced with that decision, and so you make it. Knowing full well that it will need to be faced in just the tick of a second. You’re lucky, there will be points where the first decision on where to live in bliss or not will create momentum. There are going to be times where things go right, or for just one moment you are truly aware, and that will swoop you into a good mood for a while. Those are nice. But that momentum can exist in the same way with a different charge. It only takes one moment, one decision in the favor of disdain, and boom. You find yourself 5 minutes later, shaken back awake, wondering, “where was i? How did i just let my thoughts run so wild? Its scary. It’s a wild world out there.
Art is there to remind us of the single soul. We are not seven billion individual souls scrambling around frantically, but one soul, recycled over millennia and rented out to each body simultaneously. Art is proof of that. There is a piece of art for every single emotion, thought, and action of human existence. Think you’ve had a unique experience? Think you’re alone in what you’ve been through? I’d argue you just haven’t looked hard.
In that way, art is a net. And each of us, a tightrope walker. Every song, painting, novel, movie, another loop in that giant safety net. Art is there to catch those who fall; those who think they are alone in what they face, those who don’t know what to do next. But no matter how treacherous the journey of your life, you may always tap into the strength and knowledge of your soul’s past lives by turning to art. Tap into art and you’ll know you’re not alone.
My role in art is to add to the net. Add to it in whatever way I can, whatever way I want, whatever way feels right. Maybe in my lifetime, my contributions will save a fallen walker, but maybe not. Possibly, my portion of the safety net will help someone hundreds of years from now. Art, the most resilient heirloom, is the sum of our soul’s work, over various lifetimes, to make sure not one single incarnation slips through the lacing, and feels alone.
What is the purpose of art
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12.21.23